From the Inside Out

My birthday is coming up next month, and there’s a part of me that’s dreading it. Seriously, I can’t be this old. I still feel like I’m in my 20s. When I was younger, I thought I’d have everything figured out by this age — what a myth. The only thing you can be sure of when you get older is that you will be acutely aware of how much you don’t know.

Instead of dreading the future and all the uncertainty it holds, I’ve decided to embrace it. After all, there are some benefits to growing older. For example, every year that passes means I’m closer to retirement. You may laugh at that statement because I’m still relatively young, but I plan to retire early — 50 isn’t that far away. Before I know it the day will arrive, and it’s something to anticipate, not dread.

I received an email this week from a friend who retired a few years ago. She’s having the time of her life. She spent a month in Australia earlier this year and is planning to be in South Africa for almost 2 months in the Fall. Wow, isn’t that awesome? If I plan it right, that’s what the future has in store for me.

So, I’m changing my perspective and celebrating the digits being added to my age. Growing older simply means that I’m getting closer to achieving my career goals and moving to the next stage where I have the freedom to pursue my passions. What’s so bad about that?

On Father’s day, my church gave everyone a book written by Andy Stanley, “Choosing to Cheat: Who Wins When Family and Work Collide?.”  I read it the other day, and it hit home.  The author presents an interesting premise –- everybody has to cheat. 

Think about it.  All of us have several things that demand our attention.  Whether it’s our jobs, spouses, families, ministries or hobbies, all of these things battle for our attention.  None should be neglected, but there aren’t enough hours in the day to reach our full potential in all areas.  We must make tough decisions about what (or who) gets cheated.  In fact, the author suggests the issue isn’t whether people cheat; it’s where they cheat.

Andy believes that a collision between work and family is inevitable.  As a career professional in a highly demanding industry, I tend to agree.  Work/life balance is a huge issue in the workforce today.  Companies have taken tremendous strides to enable employees to regain that balance.  They provide the technology that allows them to work from home and maintain more flexible work hours, but the challenge still exists.  How do you excel in one area without cheating the others?  Sometimes it seems impossible.

I struggle with this issue often.  I want to move ahead in my career, but not at the expense of my personal life or relationship with God.  Unfortunately, I tend to follow the pattern outlined in the book –  I cheat at home.  I invest an inordinate amount of time, energy and passion in my work.  My friends and family get the leftovers. 

I talk about what I “wish” I could do if things were different, but I begrudgingly accept the fact that this is my life – for now.  I haven’t given up completely.  I try to limit my work life by investing more in personal activities.  However, it’s just added to my problems.  Now I have even more responsibilities, and I must cheat in other areas of my life to keep up with everything that’s on my plate.  At the end of the day, I’m exhausted and frustrated.  Even worse, as I began to read the book, I started to realize I am seriously cheating God. 

My personal devotions and prayer time have suffered greatly over the last couple of years.  I go to church feeling so thirsty and dry inside.  When I feel God’s presence, I bathe in it, soaking it up like my life depends upon it.  I think it’s because my daily encounters with Him are so limited these days.  He deserves more.  I can’t afford to cheat any longer.

I couldn’t have read this book at a better time.  As I embark on what will undoubtedly be the busiest (and most critical) months of my career, I can’t forget the real priorities in my life.  I must adjust my schedule to reflect what’s most important. 

Matthew 6:33 states, “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”  I know it won’t be easy.  There’s a part of me that still says it’s impossible, but “nothing ventured, nothing gained.”  It’s worth trying.

Our Italian Greyhounds don’t take to the water naturally. Sure, if you throw them into it, their instincts will take over. They will swim, but they don’t like it.  It’s almost impossible to get them to jump in voluntarily, yet today we tried.

The dogs like to stand on the tanning platform in our pool. It only has a few inches of water so they don’t mind it.  For them, it’s like wading in the creek.  They refuse to leave this platform, though, no matter how much they would like to join us in the pool. 

Gary and I were playing in the middle of the pool today, and Joss wanted to join us. We tried to coax him to step off the platform and swim to us. He wanted it so badly, but he was frightened to take the first step. He would stretch one paw into the deep water, and then pull it back. We could have pushed him a bit to get him started, but it was important for him to take that first step. He needs to know that he can do it on his own. Of course, we would never let anything bad happen to him. The problem is he didn’t know that.

As we stood watching him decide whether to take the leap of faith, I was struck with a thought. Is this how we are with God sometimes?

He stands a few steps in front of us with outstretched arms. He wants us to trust Him, yet we are afraid. We don’t always realize that He’s in control. If we start to sink, He’ll catch us.  There’s no need to be afraid. He’s just waiting for us to take that first step, the leap of faith.  He’ll take care of the rest.

Many non-believers have the unfortunate perception that those who follow Christ are weak and ignorant.  This has always bothered me.  As a fiercely independent, self-sufficient individual, I hate the notion that Christianity is simply a psychological crutch for those who need help or a security blanket for the insecure.

I’m not a follower because I need religion to survive, and I don’t consider myself to be one of the uneducated masses.  Most of the time, I think those implications are simply used by skeptics to intimidate and discredit Christians, effectively silencing their voices.

However, another thought struck me yesterday.  Which is worse:  (1) admitting that you are weak and you need help or (2) living in denial?  What if admitting that you can’t make it on your own is not a sign of weakness after all?  Think about it.  Is it easy to admit your life is not going the way you’d planned and you need help?  I think not.  It takes a strong person to make that confession and to take the steps to make a change.

Sometimes I watch a show called Intervention.  It’s a documentary that exposes the daily lives of drug addicts.  At the end of the show, the family participates in a last ditch effort to save the addict.  As you watch family members ask the addict whether they will get treatment, you can see how hard it is for the addict to make the decision.  They know they need help, but it’s too hard to change.  Living in mire and despair is easier than getting help and treatment.  It’s amazing how, in that moment when they make the decision to change, they are both weak and strong — weak in their addiction; strong in courage and hope.

Is it really any different for those who decide to become Christians?  We were lost, addicted to sin and bound by the flesh until someone came along and asked us to give it up in order to live a more fulfilling life.  It wasn’t easy to admit we needed help.  It wasn’t easy to change.  In fact, it was downright hard.  But in admitting our weakness, we found strength and courage – to live a full life, to withstand temptation, to become a better person.

So, that leads me back to my first question.  Are Christians weak?  Well, I’ll let you decide for yourself.  I think you know where I stand.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I need God.  If that makes me weak, then so be it.  At least I have the courage to get help and the fortitude to stand up for my beliefs. 

If you are married sans kids, it’s likely that you’ve been asked the “when are you having children” question hundreds (maybe thousands) of times. Some people will tell you having children is the best thing that ever happened to them. Others will say you are wise for waiting. So, who’s right?

According to Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard University psychology professor, introducing children into a marriage sends happiness into a downward spiral. Daniel claims that scientific and economic research shows that marriage is a constant source of joy — not children or money.

“Figures show that married people are in almost every way happier than unmarried people - whether they are single, divorced, cohabiting.”

“Married people live longer, married people earn more money per capita, married people have more sex and enjoy it more.”

Most people believe that children will make you happier, but Gilbert says happiness spikes when expecting a baby and declines immediately after childbirth. Moreover, according to the research, your happiness continues to decline each time you have a child.

“In reality … children do seem to increase happiness as long as you’re expecting them, but as soon as you have them, trouble sets in,” he said.

“People are extremely happy before they have children and then their happiness goes down, and it takes another big hit when kids reach adolescence.

“When does it come back to it’s original baseline? Oh, about the time the children grow up and go away.”

Explaining why the statistics conflicted with most people’s view of parenthood, Prof Gilbert made the unusual comparison to buying a pair of Armani socks.

“When people own Armani socks they can’t stop telling you they are the best socks, the most amazing socks,” he said.

“(But) I suspect that one of the reasons that people who own Armani socks think they are wonderful is because they have paid $85 for a pair.

“The psychologists tell us that we like things more when we pay for them - what does that sound like? It sounds like children. We pay for them in time, attention, blood, sweat and tears - what kind of idiots would we be to devote all of that to the rearing of our young if they’d didn’t bring us some happiness?”

The fact that parenthood crowded out all other things in life could explain why we considered children our greatest source of joy, he said.

“Parents tell me all the time that: `My child is my greatest source of joy’,” he said.

“My reply is that: `Yes, when you have one source of joy, it’s bound to be your greatest’.”

So, who’s telling the truth — the parents or Professor Gilbert and his research? Are parents simply brainwashed into thinking their lives are better? Are they denying reality?  Or, do children really make you more happy?