From the Inside Out

I saw a something on Facebook tonight that made me stop and reminisce for a few minutes. The post asked people to “Tell me what God has done for you in 2009.” Of course, I could rattle off the standard responses: amazing spouse, loving family, rewarding career, true friends, and a church that I absolutely love. These blessings are more than I deserve, and I’m truly thankful for each and every one of them.

However, those things aren’t what made me pause when I read the statement. 2009 brought many challenges into my life. Unanswered questions, frustration, unfathomable stress, and intermittent health issues plagued me like never before. At times, it seemed like I was drowning, barely able to keep my head above water, but through it all I had a confidante, someone who was always standing by just waiting to be the source of strength that I needed. Through the good and the bad, He was always there. In fact, I can honestly say I’ve never felt closer to Him in my entire life.

Through the struggles of 2009, I somehow managed to develop a deeper, more intimate, more passionate relationship with God. It’s difficult to articulate. One of the only ways I can explain it is to say that I feel like I’m starving for Him. Maybe the feeling was initially born out of the desire to find the guidance I desperately needed during a stressful time in my life, but even afterwards it remains. The more I’m around Him, the more I want Him. His love overwhelms me. I can’t get enough, and I wish everyone could experience what I feel. It’s truly amazing. Some might even say life-changing.

I’d be lying if I said I was thankful for the challenges in my life. I’m not. I wish my job was easy. I wish I didn’t have ulcerative colitis. I wish I had answers to all of the questions floating around in my mind. I wish I knew God’s ultimate plan. Yes, I know that these challenges force me to grow, teach me to rely on Him instead of myself, and ultimately make me stronger. Even so, I don’t like them.

If I had to experience these challenges to get to this point in my relationship with God, then it was worth it. I know I still have a long way to go. He’s working on me, challenging me to change my priorities, which I’m finding is easy to say you’re going to do, but terribly difficult to actually do it. He’s also challenging me to do something more significant. I’m not exactly sure what it is yet, but I’m following Him in faith and anxiously awaiting His guidance as I look ahead to 2010.

It’s a horrendously long answer to what should have been a simple question. However, God changed me this year. He disrupted my life in a beautiful way, and I just couldn’t explain that in a 10-15 word comment on Facebook.

How about you? Think beyond the obvious, ask yourself what God has really done for you in 2009, and then take a few minutes to give Him thanks. It’s the best gift He could get during this Christmas season.

Remember that old song, “Jesus on the main line, tell Him what you want?” Well, now if you need Him you can simply leave a message.

According to an article on Yahoo.com, God has a voicemail box in the Netherlands. If you don’t mind the long distance fees, you can dial +316-4424-4901 from March 7 and hear the message:

“Hi, you are speaking to God. I’m not in right now so leave a message after the beep.”

A Dutch artist, Johan van der Dong, established this service to give people an opportunity to take pause and contemplate life. He says that leaving a voicemail message, like praying, is a good way to organize your thoughts. “It’s a perfect combination for some contemplation.”

Van der Dong encourages people to call the number and leave messages for God on the answering machine. After all, it can’t hurt…He listens to prayers, why not voice mail too?

One of the things I’m good at is planning.  It comes naturally to me.  You have a goal, so you develop a strategy and tactics to accomplish that goal.  It’s simple.  It’s safe.  Sure, surprises may come up, but you deal with them along the way – as long as you have the plan, everything will be fine.

The problem comes when you begin to realize you may have to abandon the plan because it’s not working.  The long awaited thing you were hoping for just isn’t going to happen.  I’m sure you can relate.  It may not be the same set of circumstances that I’m facing, but in your life, there was probably a time when you realized a particular course of action wasn’t going to lead you anywhere.  Whether it was pursuing a member of the opposite sex who had no interest in you, trying to become a professional athlete, a prayer that just never seemed to get answered, realizing you weren’t going to get rich by selling Amway (or any other pyramid marketing product), you may have felt like it was time to give up on a certain goal.  But what happens when you do that?  Where do you go next?  What do you do when that thing you thought would be so right turned out to be wrong?

When I start doubting the plan, I turn to God — my strength, solace and compass.  Besides, just because one plan isn’t working, it doesn’t mean you can’t start again with a new plan.  As long as I’m following God’s will, I don’t usually mind a few twists and turns along the road. 

However, I feel frozen now at life’s metaphorical crossroads.  I’m not entirely certain that I should abandon the old plan, and I have no idea what the new plan should be.  It’s a strange place to be, a little frightening in fact because it doesn’t fit into my well planned life.  I know God has a plan.  The problem is that I just don’t know what it is yet. 

I really feel like God is trying to teach me something, to take me to a deeper relationship with Him.  I also feel like there’s a lesson in the struggle and frustration I’m experiencing during this transition, but right now the lesson is not entirely clear to me.  Hopefully, it will be one day.

During our church service this morning, I felt like God was asking me to step out and take a leap of faith, to follow Him even though I don’t know where He’s going.  Maybe it’s time to stop planning my life and let Him take the reins.  For better or worse, maybe it’s time to stop trying to be in control.  As a fiercely independent person, that’s not easy for me.  I’m not sure I’m ready, but maybe I need to relinquish control and follow Him blindly until the time is right and the next steps are revealed.  As the preacher (TF Tenney) said today, sometimes you have to “break up” to “break out”.   

My future may not turn out exactly the way I planned it, but that’s okay.  God has given me so many blessings in life that I really can’t complain.   I have the best husband in the world, an amazing family, supportive friends, and a loving church.  How can I ask for more?

So, here’s to the unknown future, a willing heart, blind faith, and a blank page ready to be written entirely by God’s hands.