From the Inside Out

Those four words appeared on a poster above the desk of Fox Mulder, a character on the TV show The X-Files. Years later, the slogan became the title of the second feature film based on the popular series.

Four simple words, yet they sum up my feelings today. I may have weak moments and doubts, but I still want to believe. I want to believe that:

• all things work together for good
• there’s a reason for everything
• the “wilderness” period makes you stronger

It’s not easy to believe sometimes, especially when the past experience seems to say otherwise. That’s when faith enters the picture. Faith exists in the absence of proof. It sustains in the midst of the confusion and self-doubt. When answers don’t come freely, faith is still there.

“Are you scared?

MULDER: I know I should be but I’m not.

Do you know why?

MULDER: Because of the voice in my head. It’s telling me no harm will come to her, and that one day she’ll return.

Do you believe the voice?

MULDER: I want to believe.”

The voice in my head tells me to trust. It tells me things will work out exactly the way God has planned them as long as I follow His lead. Career battles, spiritual goals, personal evangelism, family, the future — I may not have all the answers, but that’s okay.

Do I believe the voice?

I want to believe.

Why? It’s a question that everyone asks at some point during their lives. I’m not immune. I’ve uttered the question when things occurred in my life that I didn’t understand. There are many things I don’t get about life and why certain things happen (or don’t happen). Sometimes, I receive an answer; other times, I don’t. Sometimes, it takes years to understand why. Sometimes, an explanation never comes.

A few weeks ago, my pastor preached a message that spoke volumes to me. It was about how you don’t have to understand to believe. For example, I don’t understand exactly how planes fly, but I still get in them and trust them to take me safely to my destination. Even though there are many things I don’t understand, I can still trust that God has a divine plan.

At times, I may not certain where I’m going and why I’m going there, but He knows why. It’s the difficult times in life that define a person. It’s easy to follow when things are good, but the true test comes when you don’t understand — when you choose to trust in spite of your doubts, questions, and misgivings.

I may be standing in the dark now, but one day I’ll flip the switch. The light will come on, and the “why” will be revealed.

Until then, I choose to believe.

Our Italian Greyhounds don’t take to the water naturally. Sure, if you throw them into it, their instincts will take over. They will swim, but they don’t like it.  It’s almost impossible to get them to jump in voluntarily, yet today we tried.

The dogs like to stand on the tanning platform in our pool. It only has a few inches of water so they don’t mind it.  For them, it’s like wading in the creek.  They refuse to leave this platform, though, no matter how much they would like to join us in the pool. 

Gary and I were playing in the middle of the pool today, and Joss wanted to join us. We tried to coax him to step off the platform and swim to us. He wanted it so badly, but he was frightened to take the first step. He would stretch one paw into the deep water, and then pull it back. We could have pushed him a bit to get him started, but it was important for him to take that first step. He needs to know that he can do it on his own. Of course, we would never let anything bad happen to him. The problem is he didn’t know that.

As we stood watching him decide whether to take the leap of faith, I was struck with a thought. Is this how we are with God sometimes?

He stands a few steps in front of us with outstretched arms. He wants us to trust Him, yet we are afraid. We don’t always realize that He’s in control. If we start to sink, He’ll catch us.  There’s no need to be afraid. He’s just waiting for us to take that first step, the leap of faith.  He’ll take care of the rest.

Many non-believers have the unfortunate perception that those who follow Christ are weak and ignorant.  This has always bothered me.  As a fiercely independent, self-sufficient individual, I hate the notion that Christianity is simply a psychological crutch for those who need help or a security blanket for the insecure.

I’m not a follower because I need religion to survive, and I don’t consider myself to be one of the uneducated masses.  Most of the time, I think those implications are simply used by skeptics to intimidate and discredit Christians, effectively silencing their voices.

However, another thought struck me yesterday.  Which is worse:  (1) admitting that you are weak and you need help or (2) living in denial?  What if admitting that you can’t make it on your own is not a sign of weakness after all?  Think about it.  Is it easy to admit your life is not going the way you’d planned and you need help?  I think not.  It takes a strong person to make that confession and to take the steps to make a change.

Sometimes I watch a show called Intervention.  It’s a documentary that exposes the daily lives of drug addicts.  At the end of the show, the family participates in a last ditch effort to save the addict.  As you watch family members ask the addict whether they will get treatment, you can see how hard it is for the addict to make the decision.  They know they need help, but it’s too hard to change.  Living in mire and despair is easier than getting help and treatment.  It’s amazing how, in that moment when they make the decision to change, they are both weak and strong — weak in their addiction; strong in courage and hope.

Is it really any different for those who decide to become Christians?  We were lost, addicted to sin and bound by the flesh until someone came along and asked us to give it up in order to live a more fulfilling life.  It wasn’t easy to admit we needed help.  It wasn’t easy to change.  In fact, it was downright hard.  But in admitting our weakness, we found strength and courage – to live a full life, to withstand temptation, to become a better person.

So, that leads me back to my first question.  Are Christians weak?  Well, I’ll let you decide for yourself.  I think you know where I stand.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I need God.  If that makes me weak, then so be it.  At least I have the courage to get help and the fortitude to stand up for my beliefs. 

I was “not so gently” reminded today of how blessed I am.  Sure, my life isn’t perfect.  I work too much (case in point, I stopped working at midnight).  I take on too many extracurricular activities and struggle to keep up with all of them while trying to stay sane.  Moreover, I seldom have time to do the things I really enjoy. 

My responsibilities weigh heavy on my shoulders at times.  I can’t quit, and I am afraid of failure.  That’s why it’s so easy for me to become self-absorbed in my busy world.  I tend to focus on the unrealistic expectations I have for my life rather than reflecting on my blessings.  It seems that life has its way of numbing me to the point where it’s easy to take things for granted. 

There are times, though, when life throws a little surprise on your doorstep and forces you to pay attention.  Today was one of those days.  I have a friend whose life is being torn apart through no fault of her own.  Her struggles are brutal.  My problems pale in comparison.  I won’t share any details, but it was a surprise.

Sometimes life’s little surprises can be good.  Like when new parents who find out they are expecting a child (by the way, Greg and Katrina welcomed their baby into the world on Monday…congrats!).  Other times, the surprises can be painful.  Either way, it’s hard to embrace these surprises and learn from them.  For me, I am trying.  I am slowly learning not to take my life, my family, or my friends for granted. 

Remember to count your blessings now.  You might face sorrow when you wake up tomorrow.