From the Inside Out

Tonight marks the one year anniversary of my Dad’s stroke. I’m thankful for the prayers and support that we have received from family and friends during this difficult time, but looking back, it’s disheartening that things haven’t progressed the way I had hoped.

It’s painful…

It’s surreal…

I’m having trouble finding words to adequately express my feelings, so I’m sharing lyrics to a song that seems to sum up the way I’ve felt during this arduous year.

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin’ to hold to what I can’t see (to what I can’t see)
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

The last thing I want to do at the end of a long day is exercise. When I’m tired, my brain refuses to believe that exercise will make me feel better. It’s counterintuitive. How can expending more energy give you more energy?

My brain, my flesh tells me to rest. Resting is how I’m supposed to recover and recharge after a stressful day. It’s what’s best. Or, is it?

I found myself going against the voices in my head last week. I refused to listen to their enchanting cries. Instead of sitting on the couch, I got up, put on my workout clothes, and rode my indoor trainer. I managed to ignore the voices for four nights last week. After all, I am supposed to be training for the MS 150 in April. I need the exercise.

Some sessions were longer than others — ranging from as little as 15 minutes to as much as an hour. The funny thing is that when each session ended, I felt much better, not a little better, much better. It didn’t happen once. It happened every time. My exercise fueled my energy, removed my stress, and made my day better.

My conclusion? The voices in my head lie. They can’t be trusted.

Another voice comes to me at the end of the day telling me I’m too tired to read God’s word or pray. My flesh balks at the idea of having another task to complete. It wants to rest. It begs for a break. After all, rest is good, right? Lies, lies, and more lies! Exercising your spiritual muscles reaps the same rewards as physical exercise — and more. It can calm your nerves and give you peace and energy to face the next day. It makes you stronger. It makes you better.

Don’t listen to the voices. They are wrong. You don’t get stronger — physically or spiritually — by sitting on a couch and letting your muscles atrophy. The only way to gain strength is to exercise. So, get up and get moving. Run around the block. Crack open a Bible. Go to the gym. Spend some time on your knees in prayer. The rewards are worth the effort every time — all you have to do is ignore those pesky little voices.

The cares and responsibilities of life can be draining. As I grow older, the responsibilities seem to loom larger each day. For every thing I try to give up, I immediately replace it with something else. Gone are the carefree days when I sat around complaining about being bored. I almost don’t remember what it feels like to be bored. Something always needs to be done. Another commitment always waits in the wings. Even when I sit down at the end of the day to relax, I’m purposely ignoring something else that should be done.

I honestly thought I was doing a decent job of prioritizing the most important tasks while postponing the things that could be done later. However, I have slowly begun to realize that I am not giving the proper priority to the one who should have top priority in my life. I’m not exactly sure how or when it happened, but the reality is that it did.

I was reading a story recently that Jesus told to a group of people who had gathered to hear him speak. He talked about a farmer who went out to sow his seed. Some of the seed fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the air ate it. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. Some seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop. The disciples later asked Jesus to explain the meaning behind the story. He told them that the seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and the devil comes and takes the word from their hearts so they may not believe and be saved. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way, they are choked by life’s worries, riches, and pleasures, and they do not mature. The seed on good soil represents those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

It’s not the first time that I’ve read the parable, but this time, the seed that fell among the thorns stood out to me. It was me. As hard as it was to admit, I have let the worries, riches, and pleasures of the world choke my development with God. My alone time with Him has dwindled in recent years as I’ve become busy with other things. I’m not doing anything that you would consider wrong, but I’m not fully immersing myself in His presence either. I’m not keeping up with my commitment to daily prayer, scripture readings, and quality time with God, and that needs to change. I must get back to prioritizing Him above the cares of life, above the time I selfishly spend at the end of the day, and above my other responsibilities.

Our pastors have been speaking recently about taking time each morning and evening to talk to God and read His word. I know it won’t be easy to get back into this daily habit, but I’m determined to do it. I’m sure my flesh will fight me every step of the way, but nothing good comes without a fight. I want to continue to grow in God. I want to “produce a good crop.” None of that comes without sacrifice or discipline.

It’s time to turn off the noise, push the worldly responsibilities to the side for a few minutes, and focus on God. I know I won’t regret it. It will make me stronger. It will help me mature. It will make me less selfish. Everything else can wait. It’s the best thing I can do with my time, and it starts now. I’m tired of being choked.

It’s easy to have faith when things are going your way. The good times don’t require much effort, but when life begins to fall apart, that’s when it gets tough. When prayers are left unanswered, when the pain doesn’t go away, when the future seems bleak and the world goes on without you, those are the times when the true test begins.

I like to think of myself as someone who can conquer any challenge as long as I put enough effort into it. That mindset has always served me well in life. It’s proven it to be true countless times, but over the years, I’ve also faced situations that no matter how hard I fought or how much effort I put into it, nothing changed. Tears, prayers, and pleas fell on deaf ears. Frustration ruled supreme.

I’ve sat through sermons where the preacher stirred the crowd into a frenzy by telling them all they needed was faith in God to make their dreams come true. Well, the truth is that it’s not true. God doesn’t promise everyone a rosy future. He doesn’t mislead us into thinking every problem will be solved by simple faith. In fact, Jesus stated that the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike.

At the same time, Jesus also told us that those with faith the grain of a mustard seed can move mountains. So, the problem comes when you garner that small seed of faith and still nothing happens. As the years go by and as more unmovable mountains appear, it’s hard to understand why they don’t move. It’s painful.

As I look to the Bible for guidance, I realize that sometimes people are left behind. It’s funny how preachers never seem to talk about those people. The ones who had to persevere and didn’t receive a happy, miraculous ending are forgotten. Those stories don’t seem to inspire the masses. Yet, they are the ones we should actually consider when going through a trial. For every person that Jesus healed, there were thousands who didn’t receive healing. For example, Jesus healed one man lying near the pools at Bethesda, but what about all of the others who were also lying nearby? Their situation remained the same. I don’t believe it meant they were unworthy, didn’t have faith, or their prayers were of less value. Even Paul suffered with an ailment that wouldn’t go away. It just goes to show that some situations must be endured whether you like it or not, whether you understand it or not, whether it’s fair or not.

I read once that “Faith is what happens when God does nothing.” It came to me at such a profound time in my life. I always felt that I had faith, but I never really had to prove it until God didn’t intervene. I’ll be honest, the first time it happened it threw me. It wouldn’t be the last time my foundation was shaken either. Since that time, I’ve had other situations that stunned me, that made me question. Sometimes God would intervene in my life, and other times, He wouldn’t. I’ll never understand why.

Maybe it’s the ultimate test of faith. I don’t know. What I do know is that, in those times, He walked with me every step of the way. Through every painful experience, every unchanged situation, He held me tight. He may not have sent the solution I wanted, but He was there. He listened to my cries. He came to me when I was lonely. He gave me comfort and strength to face another day. I wouldn’t have made it without Him.

Like those left behind at the pools of Bethesda when Jesus passed by, we may not get the answer for which we are praying, but it shouldn’t shake our faith or stop us from sending those prayers. The answer could come tomorrow, next year, or never. It’s not important. The most important thing is that He is here. He wants to help us through our difficult journeys. It doesn’t take much. Just utter a prayer, have simple faith, and He’ll show up.

It’s a busy time of year. Some people are rushing to the malls buying last minute Christmas gifts, while others are preparing to travel. It doesn’t matter whether you are packing suitcases for a flight, making sure the kids won’t be bored on that long road trip, frantically wrapping presents, getting the house ready for company, or preparing the Christmas day feast, it’s chaos!

It recently struck me that Mary and Joseph may have experienced similar chaos in their lives before the birth of Jesus. They were forced to travel to Bethlehem so they could register for the census. It couldn’t have come at a worse time. Mary was pregnant, expecting her first child. The baby was due soon. It was no time to travel. Regardless, they had to embark on a week-long journey to another town. They must have been busy stocking up for the journey, rushing to buy things they needed for the trip, and packing — all while preparing for the birth of their son. It was chaos!

Upon arriving, they learned that all of the inns were full. Imagine being nine months pregnant and seeing only “no vacancy” signs posted at your destination city! I can’t imagine how concerned Mary and Joseph must have been when they were told the only place to take shelter was in a barn. There would be no bed, no privacy, and no comfort offered to them while in a dirty stable where animals were housed. I’m sure they were hoping the baby wouldn’t come while they were there. It couldn’t have been the experience Mary had dreamed about when imagining the miraculous birth of her first son. Modern women wouldn’t dream of having a child in those harsh conditions.

However, the baby had plans of his own. He had a prophecy to fulfill, and he wouldn’t wait for them to return to Nazareth. I can’t imagine how chaotic it must have been that night as Mary struggled to give birth far away from her home, in a strange place, in the middle of a barn. It had to be a scary experience for her and her husband, much different from what we see depicted in the peaceful, serene nativity scenes today. She had to question why: why now, why here, why like this?

It doesn’t seem to make sense, but in the middle of her chaos and confusion, something beautiful was born. In that moment when Jesus took his first breath, Mary must have felt that it was worth it all. From chaos came beauty and perfection.

During this Christmas season, you may be experiencing your own chaos. It may be uncomfortable. It may not be what you expected or what you’d desired, but take heart. Don’t be anxious; dont worry. God has His own plans, and maybe, just maybe He’s getting ready to deliver beauty in the midst of your chaos.